In Memory

When I was in junior high and took gym, we all showered together. I didn’t notice, but all the other boys always teased me about how small my genitals were.  In gym class itself, I could not do as well as others at anything.  The teacher graded on a curve, so the lowest part of the curve was me.  I passed, but only because he didn’t want me back the next year.  I attended a boarding school in India for two years; the boys asked me about the personal parts in the shower there, but no one teased me.  All through my teen years, I had very little interest in girls or anyone for that matter.  Dances would come and go, without me.  Guys would have girlfriends, but I chose to ride around with my best buddy. When I was taking a physical for college, the doctor said my testicles were pretty small and wanted to know if they worked.. I said, as far as I know, they do. (this was in 1965)  But he had me go to Indiana University and go thru a battery of tests. Blood sample, Urine sample, Semen sample…  No one had an answer.

Finally, a testicle biopsy – too painful to describe.  My doctor gave me the results, that when I was conceived, I acquired an extra female chromosome, that it was called Klinefelter’s Syndrome, and I would be sterile for my whole life.  Told me to take testosterone shots – for the rest of my life.

This was all a shock, but it had a couple of positives. 1. I could have sex if I wanted and no pregnancy would result, and 2. It kept me out of the army at the height of the Vietnam War.  I went for the draft physical with a letter from my doctor.  The head doctor there said, “Oh you will be exempted, but you have to do the physical anyway.”  Oh, what a relief it was.  I was rated 1-Y.  And one year during the Draft Lottery, my birth date was number 1.

At about 23 a gal in a bar was sitting at a table with my friends and me.  Se remarked that she was looking for a place to stay in our town so it would be closer to her work.  I offered my couch, in a one-bedroom cabin I rented.  She slept on the couch for a couple of nights…I worked for the police department then on night shift and got home at about 6 am. The third nite, I came home, and she had the bed warm.  That was a welcome act.  But poor me, I couldn’t have sex with her for about 2 weeks.  I told my chief about her and he said I must be one weird man to sleep with a gal for 2 weeks and not have sex.  That guest stayed until the end of winter then moved back in with her mom, in a nearby town.

As my dad was a consulting engineer on many projects, I worked for one of the companies.  Didn’t have any problems.  But when he went back overseas, I returned to Indiana where I had grown up. Just couldn’t fit in.  Still hung around with my old best friend. He had been married and was divorced. Went drinking almost every weekend.  Had many jobs, one after the other.  Always a problem, whether I wasn’t conscientious enough, couldn’t take orders and follow-through, attitude, or whatever, I was let go.  Some were union assignments.  The union stopped giving them to me. I finally went to work for the local police department for 2 1/2 years, then became a police chief in a nearby small town.  I thought I had it made; was let go 6 months later due to the town board president.  He did not want me patrolling at night.  When I was attacked on the job, he would not stand behind me.  (It took them 2 years to fill the position after that.)

I started the very next week at a correctional institution for youth (12-18).  I liked this job, was able to drive their security car throughout the state picking up escapees, as it was a minimum-security institution.  Sometimes, I would fill in for other officers when on an unscheduled day off.  In those times, generally evening shift, I would have to supervise the boys in showers.  My eyes caught the “normal” male physique, and I was impressed.  Somehow felt a rush. This was the first such feeling I ever had.

Through that experience, I developed a sort of “penis envy,” and I volunteered to fill in more often.  I left that job after a year and went on a sheriffs department as a deputy.  Then on to an alarm company, where I finally found the niche.  I worked in the alarm industry for 40 years and had my own business for 30.  As I was training young men, I often became attracted to them.  One such guy, probably 18, asked me if I wanted to go out some night.  I figured just drinking, but he had other plans.  Gave me oral sex, and I was hooked.

By this time, I had married, but couldn’t satisfy my wife;  she sought her love elsewhere and produced six children. I figured I can’t have any, so I accepted them.  Two kept the father’s name, but all six call me DADDY.  That is a good feeling.  This proves that nearly any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy. There are nine grandkids, of whom we see 5 regularly.  4 are in Texas, 1500 miles away.

17 years ago, I started seeing an endocrinologist, who diagnosed my diabetes.  He put me on Insulin immediately.  Also took me off T shots and gave me patches.  The first I had were way too large. Made to go on the scrotum, there was no way to fit.  I took them back to the pharmacy and tried to explain the situation to the female pharmacist.  She did get me the round patches, with Doc’s approval.  I stayed on those for 5 more years, until I was put on Androgel.  But, I was not feeling as strong as I had before.  A Urologist checked my T levels and said way too low.  164 – put me back on shots 200mg / cc. with 1.5 cc per 2 weeks.  T level jumped to 600 +. The next trip six months later was down to less than 200.  Now, I am taking 1 cc every week.  I feel better.  It will be checked again in August or September.

I recently retired but will have to get a part-time job.  Social Security is too little to live on.  I went to India this year and planned to stay for 10 weeks.  Came down with dysentery, in a state far away from any city, and flew home 4 weeks early.  A young friend (23) whom I had met on Facebook several years ago, agreed to travel with me, so I met him in the Delhi area.  I spent 3 weeks there, waiting for him to complete his job.  He worked in a salon training academy as a massage therapist and stylist.  When he quit, we stayed in Delhi one more week, then went by train east, to his hometown of Aizawl, Mizoram. stopping along the way in 4 more cities.  Since I was weak and getting weaker, He helped me along the way.  Indian chairs and beds are very low, so he helped me up, helped me bathe, interpreted, got hotel rooms, food, etc., really took care of his Papa.

Healthwise, I developed diabetes when I was 46, and because of this, my kidneys failed, in 2003, at age 57.  After dialysis for 16 months, I managed to get a transplant in 2004. I had both knees replaced -2003 and 2010.  After coming down sick in India, I flew home, and went to the hospital the next day; I had a bad infection in my kidney. They did emergency surgery and fitted me with “Neph tube” which drains off the poisons before they can go back into my bloodstream. I still must wear it, as surgery that needs to be done is extremely dangerous.  I was told that the kidney is going bad, and function was down to 20 %.  They hope to extend the life of it for another one or two years, at which time, will need dialysis again, and another transplant.

3 Tips:?  (1)  Hope you have been diagnosed early in life so you won’t have to go thru the embarrassing teen years. when puberty doesn’t happen.  (2) Keep your faith in God, in your own way. Faith and trust can help you get through the rough spots; I didn’t.. Drifted away at 18, and finally came back in 1993, at 47. (3)  Don’t get discouraged.

Currently, I am working on getting my health back.  I feel so weak all the time.  This is because of kidney problems.  My blood count is low, and I take a drug to help build red blood cells.  Plus I need to find a way to have some money coming in.  Social security does not cut it.  I would like to consult in my field.  Maybe a cashier or greeter at Walmart would do.

I don’t know where to put this in.  Since those feelings I got at the boy’s institution, I seemed to get them more often when I was around other guys.  I never went out looking for a guy, but have had casual encounters.  No sex, as the gay community likes it, but came close a few times.

If I were in complete control of mankind, I would make everyone live in harmony, without prejudice, hatred, jealousy, thievery, cheating, scandal, corruption, etc.

My parents never understood me. So I would say to them, and direct to all parents of XXY boys to men: when your son acts out or seems lazy, inattentive, or has learning problems, don’t blame him. His condition that occurred when u made him, must stick with him throughout his entire life.  Please treat him as normal, try to build him up, not put him down. Throughout my early life and teen years, I heard this a lot.  My father beat me a lot because of this.

I continue to have feelings of inadequacy.  I cannot seem to get things accomplished.  Just feel so worthless at times.  Still, fight with my wife, still, want to stay…


Alan lost his battle with kidney disease on the 11th of Oct 2013. May he rest in peace.