Reflecting on better times

I don’t usually speak about my KS, experiences, or thoughts, but I felt like sharing some of them with you. I am a 50-year-old male and lived with KS for as long as I can remember, but my specialist only diagnosed me with KS about 25 years ago in the 90s. I am also an INFJ Introvert, meaning I keep to myself a lot, and my circle of friends is “very” small. It works well for me because I don’t have to worry about what other people think of me. I had a tough time through school, suffering from dyslexia, being held back a year when I was 9, and dropping out of high school.

I’ve always felt different and not sure where I fit in. As a preteen, I liked collecting Transformers, Teddy Bears and Soaps. Yeap, Soaps…. A bit different. I am attracted to women, yet I don’t feel like a man or, for that matter, a woman either. For me, puberty didn’t kick in until my late teens/ early 20’s. I was a 6’ 1” 185cm “Girly Boy”. I had very feminine features from my late teens to my early 30s, with very long, naturally wavey hair and was always mistaken for a woman. My hair was the envy of many women. I was once mistaken for a teenage girl, too young to enter the pub. I was 23. Surprisingly, it never bothered me. I didn’t go out of my way to hide my feminine looks, but I also did not promote them. If I were a girl, I would have been a tomboy. I didn’t dress up like a girl. I always wore guy clothes.

In my early 30s, a physical altercation with a guy led to me cutting my hair short. And the looks went downhill from there. I always liked my appearance, but never the attention.

As I’ve gotten older, my looks have matured, and I look less feminine now, although sometimes I look at myself and wish I still had my long hair and feminine looks, even more so recently. My mother has always supported me but has never really spoken about it. If I raise it with her, she will change the subject completely off topic. My father was mostly out of my life from my late teens, only seeing him a handful of times until his passing in 2007 from cancer.

One of my favourite photos of my father shows him in full health and me at my peak of beauty. Attached is that photo of my father and me when I was 26 and another taken late last year. I’ve been looking back at some of my old photos recently and wondering what could have and should have been…

One of my reasons for not getting involved in the LGBT community was the hype and fanfare that seems to come with it because I am a very solitary person and have never liked the attention. My 50th birthday is just around the corner, and it being special; people ask what I want; I tell them ‘to stay at home and watch a movie.